Raw

Today way my second day in therapy. It kind sort really sucked. It was the assessment, and just going over all of my issues left me really raw and vulnerable. I don't do vulnerable often. It just does not become me. I feel horrible because I could not even tolerate Bastian tonight. He has gotten into this thing where he screams for no apparent reason. Yeah, it really got to me.

They want me to do this type of therapy where I talk about my issues and they show me images. It's like a dual focus type thing. I don't think I can do. I don't think I am ready for that yet. No, I know I'm not. If talking about it messes me up this much, I'm not sure what that type of therapy will do to me. I have enough negative things going on in my life right now, I don't need to add anything to that list.

As of Saturday, I am no longer allowed to live with my own husband. He will be staying upstairs with Craig. I am giving it two weeks, and if I don't hear back from a job, then I am going to reconsider some of my options. I cannot live without my husband. I love him too much. We fight, yes, but I cannot imagine my life without him. I don't know what I am going to do. I am lost here. I have no idea what to do or how to make things work. I guess I can call tomorrow and see if I can find out anything about section 8 housing. I can continue to apply for jobs and hope and pray I get something soon. I can scream and yell and hit the wall. So, that last one won't really help, but it might feel pretty good.

I am just so pissed off with the whole stupid thing. No one wants that jackass back here. And yet, here he comes. Completely disturbing everything that was going so well. She said it would be different this time. She was wrong. No, she wasn't. It's worse. Because I am given the option of having a home or having my husband. It isn't right. Not at all. I hate this situation. I will stay here only until we figure something out. Because Bastian needs somewhere safe to stay. I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm scared. I'm angry. I have a long, hard road ahead of me and I am just so tired.

Nightmare

So, it's been a while since I've blogged. I keep meaning to keep up with my blogs, but I really never end up getting around to it.

Last night was a really rough night for me. I had a horrible, terrifying nightmare last night. First of all, Bastian decided he didn't want to sleep at all. So it was like 11:45 by the time he finally fell asleep. By this point I already had a really bad headache. I've been sick for the past couple of weeks. It doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping lately and when I do sleep, I am plagued with horrible nightmares. I'm actually on medication right now that is supposed to be keeping me from dreaming. But it's not working. Not working at all.

So, last night we were in this rural neighborhood. It was like five houses on a hill. The hill was really steep and it led down into a flat spot and a river. The houses were all two story farm houses, all worn down. Everything was dark, even in the day time. Like when it's overcast and getting ready to storm. Like the sun wouldn't come out at all. Between the five houses there were at least 30-40 children. This guy, in a black suit, black fedora, and red tie was walking by the river. He has ice blue eyes. I know that under his hat is white blond hair, though I didn't get to see it this time. I dream of him often. I am terrified of him. Chris and a mutual friend of ours was there too. And Bastian. Dear god, yeah, Bastian was there too. The four of us were all staying in one room with mattresses on the floor. I gave Bastian a bath in an old, dingy bathroom, in a claw footed tub. He was like 2-3 years old. He walked down the stairs and I followed him. He went straight out the front door and down the hill to the man. The kids from the neighborhood were all in a line. The man was burning the kids alive. And they were just waiting in line, waiting. I couldn't get to them. I couldn't get off the hill. I tried. Bastian turned and looked at me, then turned back, waiting. I fell to my knees crying.

I could smell the burning flesh. Feel the heat of the fire on my skin. The smell was still in my nose when I woke up. Everything that happened, even the little insignificant things I didn't mention, I could feel. I felt warm lips, strong embraces. I felt the tears. I felt the grass under my knees. I still see it every time I close my eyes. The water I bathed Bastian in was cool and gritty.

I can't get it out of my head, and it is driving me crazy. I don't ever want to sleep again.

New Years, 2 days Early

With Bastian growing and growing, I don't have a lot of time to blog anymore. So, I have to do this when I get the time. Bastian is napping on his daddy, so I suppose that means I have the time to blog, right?

Every year I make resolutions, and I rarely ever follow through with them. I could resolve to follow through with my resolutions, but my track record shows that that won't really work anyway. Despite that, I will resolve to follow through on my resolutions and to put into effect some means of a checks and balances system in order to make sure these things are done. So, here goes:

My New Year's Resolutions are thus:

1. Lose Weight
- My goal in this is to lose 10% of my body weight within 6 months, and then 10% of that body weight in the remaining 6 months.
- Develop an exercise program and stick with it. It must contain some kind of cardio and strength training 3-4 times a week.
- Reduce intake of sugar.
- Drink 3-4 glasses of water daily
- NO SODA

2. DESTRESS
- Make necessary cuts of people who stress me out.
- Recite an affirmation everyday
- 15 minutes of Mommy Meditation time at night
- Once a week, blog about 3 positive things that happened that week even if it is just waking up to my husband and son

3. Do well in school

4. Get health in check so I can obtain employment
-Take all medications as scheduled
- Watch my diabetes
- keep all appointments

5. Be a better Mommy, Wife, and Daughter

x-posted to Facebook, Livejournal, Blogger

Merry Christmas to you, and your stupid dog too.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Bastian has opened his presents. If you call what we did opening. Since he's 3 month old, we put some of his presents into a stocking and took them out and showed them to him. He enjoyed them. Then we read The Christmas Story and watched Horton Hears a Who. He's napping now.

It didn't go off without a hitch, however. Chuck and CJ came over, and Chuck brought his stupid dog. This dog is an untrained Doberman that likes to be in everyone's face. He scares Bastian, and no one seems to care. So now, we get to keep Bastian in the bedroom for most of the day because dumbass brought his stupid dog. Yeah, Merry frickin' Christmas to you too, asshole.

Ah, it's Thursday

It is 10:34 AM on a snowy Thursday morning. Good grief, I would much rather be sleeping. And little guy is taking a nap with grandma, so why aren't I? Oh yeah, because the dentist office called me bright and early to see if I could take an appointment today. I decided, no, I wanted to wait until this infection is gone before I let them create anymore open wounds in my mouth. So, here I sit, a comfortable 56 degrees in the room and steadily rising because, apparently, I am the only one who thinks 56 is comfortable. Waiting for my little guy to get up. Mom and Chris are supposed to put plastic up on the windows, so I will take my shift with Bastian then. And while Chris does the litterbox. Then I might let Chris have some time with his son so I can send out a thing to my advisor and help Mom get the bulk of the housework done. If we split it up, we can do it! Theeeennnnnnn... family bonding time over Frosty or Rudolph or some other Christmas show I've seen a million and one times but Bastian would absolutely adore? I think we can fanagle that.

I woke up nearly painless today. How long it will last, I have no idea, but I think it is a good sign. Maybe sooner rather than later I will wake up completely painless and stay that way. Huzzah! A little bit of the no pain thing until I get my wisdom teeth out please.

Chris got his new phone yesterday. He is adoring it. If you want the number message me on facebook. All I ask is that you remember it is not my phone, don't spam me with messages, get upset because I can not answer right away, or expect me to run the phone bill up calling you all the time. Chris is nice enough to let me use it, don't abuse that privilege.

It's beginning to feel a little more like Christmas with the white snow and the ice and the just general YUCK. Yule... ahhhhh... I get to have more work done on my teeth. So much fun.

December 1st

Happy December, everyone!

December offers holidays such as Yule and the Christian/secular Christmas. We got Bastian a new car seat stroller combination for Christmas, a Christmas outfit, new pack of bottles to get rid of the ones daddy and I hate, and new pacifiers. He's two months old, there's not a whole lot we can give the little guy.

First snow was last night. Yay. Not really. The next couple of weeks are super busy. We have a meeting with OWF today at one, tomorrow I have WIC at 1030, a doctor's appointment at 2. 3, 4, 5 nothing. 6th Chris has therapy and a doctors appointment. 7th nothing, 8th Chris has to be at OSU for an appointment with the neurosurgeon. 9th therapy for me. And then, so far nothing until the 13th when we both go in for dentist work. But we'll have therapy and random stuff that just isn't scheduled yet. Busy busy busy.

Todays plans: OWF @ 1PM, put laundry away, dust dining room/living room, floors, litterbox, update Bastian's baby book.

Thanksgiving

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

I was watching the History channel last night with Dad and saw that they way we were told Thanksgiving originated didn't actually happen. Now, I wonder what actually happened, but don't really want to research it. Maybe later today, as it would be nice to know. It feels kind of like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Thanksgiving, I thought, was the one holiday that didn't have massive lies surrounding it. Well, the Pilgrims and Indians being friends was a lie, wasn't it? Smallpox is not exactly something one friend gives to another willingly. So I wonder now, just how FAKE is Thanksgiving? It wasn't invented by the card company, because who gives a card saying "Happy Thanksgiving!?" In a weird way, I wish they hadn't spoiled the illusion.

So, I thought this year it would be nice to do a blog about what I am thankful for. Last post was kind of just me complaining, this post is going to be me being thankful. I'll do a special prayer later today, maybe go for a walk and do a little offering. MAYBE. It's pretty dang cold and I'm already sick and have a pretty busy day. Prayer yes. Walk/offering, maybe. Anywho, on with the show.

This year I am thankful for:

1. The family I have left living. Mom, Dad, Craig, Chuck, Katrina, Andrew, Hannah, Aunt Sue and Uncle Bill, Uncle Eddy (Sue's first husband), Aunt Brenda and Uncle Jeff, my cousins, my neice, Jasmine even if her mommy and I don't talk anymore I love her dearly. And anyone I forgot to mention.

2. My husband and my son who complete me and make even the hardest days worth living.

3. The generosity of both of our families. Without them, we would not have been able to keep our son and raise him.

4. I am thankful that Bastian is out of the NICU, home with us, and in relatively good health.

5. My own good health.

6. That my family and I have a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone !!!!