Today way my second day in therapy. It kind sort really sucked. It was the assessment, and just going over all of my issues left me really raw and vulnerable. I don't do vulnerable often. It just does not become me. I feel horrible because I could not even tolerate Bastian tonight. He has gotten into this thing where he screams for no apparent reason. Yeah, it really got to me.
They want me to do this type of therapy where I talk about my issues and they show me images. It's like a dual focus type thing. I don't think I can do. I don't think I am ready for that yet. No, I know I'm not. If talking about it messes me up this much, I'm not sure what that type of therapy will do to me. I have enough negative things going on in my life right now, I don't need to add anything to that list.
As of Saturday, I am no longer allowed to live with my own husband. He will be staying upstairs with Craig. I am giving it two weeks, and if I don't hear back from a job, then I am going to reconsider some of my options. I cannot live without my husband. I love him too much. We fight, yes, but I cannot imagine my life without him. I don't know what I am going to do. I am lost here. I have no idea what to do or how to make things work. I guess I can call tomorrow and see if I can find out anything about section 8 housing. I can continue to apply for jobs and hope and pray I get something soon. I can scream and yell and hit the wall. So, that last one won't really help, but it might feel pretty good.
I am just so pissed off with the whole stupid thing. No one wants that jackass back here. And yet, here he comes. Completely disturbing everything that was going so well. She said it would be different this time. She was wrong. No, she wasn't. It's worse. Because I am given the option of having a home or having my husband. It isn't right. Not at all. I hate this situation. I will stay here only until we figure something out. Because Bastian needs somewhere safe to stay. I don't know. I just don't know.
I'm scared. I'm angry. I have a long, hard road ahead of me and I am just so tired.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Nightmare
So, it's been a while since I've blogged. I keep meaning to keep up with my blogs, but I really never end up getting around to it.
Last night was a really rough night for me. I had a horrible, terrifying nightmare last night. First of all, Bastian decided he didn't want to sleep at all. So it was like 11:45 by the time he finally fell asleep. By this point I already had a really bad headache. I've been sick for the past couple of weeks. It doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping lately and when I do sleep, I am plagued with horrible nightmares. I'm actually on medication right now that is supposed to be keeping me from dreaming. But it's not working. Not working at all.
So, last night we were in this rural neighborhood. It was like five houses on a hill. The hill was really steep and it led down into a flat spot and a river. The houses were all two story farm houses, all worn down. Everything was dark, even in the day time. Like when it's overcast and getting ready to storm. Like the sun wouldn't come out at all. Between the five houses there were at least 30-40 children. This guy, in a black suit, black fedora, and red tie was walking by the river. He has ice blue eyes. I know that under his hat is white blond hair, though I didn't get to see it this time. I dream of him often. I am terrified of him. Chris and a mutual friend of ours was there too. And Bastian. Dear god, yeah, Bastian was there too. The four of us were all staying in one room with mattresses on the floor. I gave Bastian a bath in an old, dingy bathroom, in a claw footed tub. He was like 2-3 years old. He walked down the stairs and I followed him. He went straight out the front door and down the hill to the man. The kids from the neighborhood were all in a line. The man was burning the kids alive. And they were just waiting in line, waiting. I couldn't get to them. I couldn't get off the hill. I tried. Bastian turned and looked at me, then turned back, waiting. I fell to my knees crying.
I could smell the burning flesh. Feel the heat of the fire on my skin. The smell was still in my nose when I woke up. Everything that happened, even the little insignificant things I didn't mention, I could feel. I felt warm lips, strong embraces. I felt the tears. I felt the grass under my knees. I still see it every time I close my eyes. The water I bathed Bastian in was cool and gritty.
I can't get it out of my head, and it is driving me crazy. I don't ever want to sleep again.
Last night was a really rough night for me. I had a horrible, terrifying nightmare last night. First of all, Bastian decided he didn't want to sleep at all. So it was like 11:45 by the time he finally fell asleep. By this point I already had a really bad headache. I've been sick for the past couple of weeks. It doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping lately and when I do sleep, I am plagued with horrible nightmares. I'm actually on medication right now that is supposed to be keeping me from dreaming. But it's not working. Not working at all.
So, last night we were in this rural neighborhood. It was like five houses on a hill. The hill was really steep and it led down into a flat spot and a river. The houses were all two story farm houses, all worn down. Everything was dark, even in the day time. Like when it's overcast and getting ready to storm. Like the sun wouldn't come out at all. Between the five houses there were at least 30-40 children. This guy, in a black suit, black fedora, and red tie was walking by the river. He has ice blue eyes. I know that under his hat is white blond hair, though I didn't get to see it this time. I dream of him often. I am terrified of him. Chris and a mutual friend of ours was there too. And Bastian. Dear god, yeah, Bastian was there too. The four of us were all staying in one room with mattresses on the floor. I gave Bastian a bath in an old, dingy bathroom, in a claw footed tub. He was like 2-3 years old. He walked down the stairs and I followed him. He went straight out the front door and down the hill to the man. The kids from the neighborhood were all in a line. The man was burning the kids alive. And they were just waiting in line, waiting. I couldn't get to them. I couldn't get off the hill. I tried. Bastian turned and looked at me, then turned back, waiting. I fell to my knees crying.
I could smell the burning flesh. Feel the heat of the fire on my skin. The smell was still in my nose when I woke up. Everything that happened, even the little insignificant things I didn't mention, I could feel. I felt warm lips, strong embraces. I felt the tears. I felt the grass under my knees. I still see it every time I close my eyes. The water I bathed Bastian in was cool and gritty.
I can't get it out of my head, and it is driving me crazy. I don't ever want to sleep again.
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