Raw

Today way my second day in therapy. It kind sort really sucked. It was the assessment, and just going over all of my issues left me really raw and vulnerable. I don't do vulnerable often. It just does not become me. I feel horrible because I could not even tolerate Bastian tonight. He has gotten into this thing where he screams for no apparent reason. Yeah, it really got to me.

They want me to do this type of therapy where I talk about my issues and they show me images. It's like a dual focus type thing. I don't think I can do. I don't think I am ready for that yet. No, I know I'm not. If talking about it messes me up this much, I'm not sure what that type of therapy will do to me. I have enough negative things going on in my life right now, I don't need to add anything to that list.

As of Saturday, I am no longer allowed to live with my own husband. He will be staying upstairs with Craig. I am giving it two weeks, and if I don't hear back from a job, then I am going to reconsider some of my options. I cannot live without my husband. I love him too much. We fight, yes, but I cannot imagine my life without him. I don't know what I am going to do. I am lost here. I have no idea what to do or how to make things work. I guess I can call tomorrow and see if I can find out anything about section 8 housing. I can continue to apply for jobs and hope and pray I get something soon. I can scream and yell and hit the wall. So, that last one won't really help, but it might feel pretty good.

I am just so pissed off with the whole stupid thing. No one wants that jackass back here. And yet, here he comes. Completely disturbing everything that was going so well. She said it would be different this time. She was wrong. No, she wasn't. It's worse. Because I am given the option of having a home or having my husband. It isn't right. Not at all. I hate this situation. I will stay here only until we figure something out. Because Bastian needs somewhere safe to stay. I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm scared. I'm angry. I have a long, hard road ahead of me and I am just so tired.