Saturday, March 26, 2011


So, it's been a while since I've blogged. I keep meaning to keep up with my blogs, but I really never end up getting around to it.

Last night was a really rough night for me. I had a horrible, terrifying nightmare last night. First of all, Bastian decided he didn't want to sleep at all. So it was like 11:45 by the time he finally fell asleep. By this point I already had a really bad headache. I've been sick for the past couple of weeks. It doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping lately and when I do sleep, I am plagued with horrible nightmares. I'm actually on medication right now that is supposed to be keeping me from dreaming. But it's not working. Not working at all.

So, last night we were in this rural neighborhood. It was like five houses on a hill. The hill was really steep and it led down into a flat spot and a river. The houses were all two story farm houses, all worn down. Everything was dark, even in the day time. Like when it's overcast and getting ready to storm. Like the sun wouldn't come out at all. Between the five houses there were at least 30-40 children. This guy, in a black suit, black fedora, and red tie was walking by the river. He has ice blue eyes. I know that under his hat is white blond hair, though I didn't get to see it this time. I dream of him often. I am terrified of him. Chris and a mutual friend of ours was there too. And Bastian. Dear god, yeah, Bastian was there too. The four of us were all staying in one room with mattresses on the floor. I gave Bastian a bath in an old, dingy bathroom, in a claw footed tub. He was like 2-3 years old. He walked down the stairs and I followed him. He went straight out the front door and down the hill to the man. The kids from the neighborhood were all in a line. The man was burning the kids alive. And they were just waiting in line, waiting. I couldn't get to them. I couldn't get off the hill. I tried. Bastian turned and looked at me, then turned back, waiting. I fell to my knees crying.

I could smell the burning flesh. Feel the heat of the fire on my skin. The smell was still in my nose when I woke up. Everything that happened, even the little insignificant things I didn't mention, I could feel. I felt warm lips, strong embraces. I felt the tears. I felt the grass under my knees. I still see it every time I close my eyes. The water I bathed Bastian in was cool and gritty.

I can't get it out of my head, and it is driving me crazy. I don't ever want to sleep again.

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